AGENT: A character
who resents
performers getting
90% of his salary.
ARRANGER: A guy who writes
to support a drinking habit.
BALLET: An art form for people with
eating disorders.
BANDSTAND:
The area furthest away from an electrical
outlet.
BIG BAND: Nowadays, an
aggregation consisting of two musicians.
BROADWAY PIT JOB: A prison
sentence disguised as a gig.
CABARET: A venue where singers do
songs from shows that closed out of town.
CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of
telling you that you've practiced too much.
CATERER: A man whose hatred for
musicians is unrivaled.
CHANTEUSE: A singer with an accent
and no time.
CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of
his time and behind in the rent.
CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you
that you didn't practice enough.
CLUB DATE LEADER: Someone who
changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.
CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: A guy who
rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.
CONTRACTOR: A man whose funeral
nobody goes to.
CRUISE SHIP WORK: A gig that gives a
musician two reasons to throw up.
DJ: The guy your son would rather
have play for his Bar Mitzvah.
D-MINOR: A rare army classification
which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play
klezmer (Yiddish music).
DOUBLEBASS: The instrument the folks
footing the bill feel is unnecessary.
DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would
have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.
ELECTRIC PIANO: The instrument that
enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.
HOTEL PIANIST: A guy who looks good
in a tux.
JAZZ: The only true American art
form beloved by Europeans.
JAZZ FESTIVAL: An event attended by
folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.
LYRIC: That part of a tune known
only by singers and homosexuals.
MELLOPHONE: An instrument best put
to use when converted into a lamp.
METRONOME: The archenemy of
chanteuses and cantors.
MOVIE COMPOSER: Someone who can
write like anyone except himself.
NEW AGE: A musical substitute for
Valium.
NEW year's EVE: The night of the
year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.
ORCHESTRATOR: The musician who
enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it.
PERCUSSIONIST: A drummer who can't
swing.
PERFECT PITCH: The ability to
pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.
PIANIST: An archaic term for a
keyboard player.
PRODIGY: A kid who has as much
chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World
Series.
RAGA: The official music of New
York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.
RARE VIOLIN: A Stradivarius, not to
be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot
eleven.
SIDEMAN: The appellation that
guarantees a musician will never be rich.
STAFF MUSICIAN: Harder to locate
than a cavity in the Osmond family.
STEADY ENGAGEMENT: Look up
in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''
24\7: The time signature of
the national anthem of India.
UNION REP: A guy who thinks big
bands are coming back.
VERSE: The part of a tune that's
disposable, except to its composer.
VIOLA D' AMORE: A baroque string
instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.
WURLITZER: The Ford Pinto of pianos.
YANNI: A man blessed with great hair
for music.
